I’m writing a dreadful post today. Its been over 3 years since we started our adoption. I’m tired, annoyed, scared, doubtful. All these feelings I’m sure are being shared by several prospective adoptive couples right now. Which is why I have a hard time talking about it with people or asking for prayer.
I am really struggling with praying for our adoption. Why should the Lord speed things up for us when I watched my friend Sarah wait over 5 years for her referral. Or my friend Shellie, who is literally stuck in the Congo waiting to bring her son home while the rest of her family waits back in the states. I find myself questioning my desires or God’s will for our family. But when I’m randomly driving or cleaning or even exercising, I can be brought to tears just like that over bringing home a child some day who does not even know what a mom and dad are. Who only knows of a few caretakers that change shifts and care for 20 other children at the same time. Not only that but I desire to be a mother in this way. I am so excited to experience the mysterious love of adoption. My heart aches! I break for that child. My desire is there! Maybe it’s those moments that I need! Instead of shoving that feeling somewhere, maybe I need to embrace it and think of those moments when I feel like I just can’t wait in this process anymore. Our child is worth it! I’m writing this so I can remind myself! He or she is so worth it and its time I start praying for our child as if he or she has been adopted by us already. It’s so hard, though! I start to pray and then the little doubtful thought comes in and says “what if this never happens for you.” That kills me! All this work and built up emotion and prayer could be gone!
I’m going out on a limb here and asking for your prayers. I feel like there are way more people deserving of your prayers than us right now but I’m going to ask anyway. God wants us to ask others to do that for us so why is it so hard for me to ask! I feel so unworthy of your precious time that you have to talk to the Lord so maybe when you’re unloading the dishwasher or folding clothes, you could say a quick one for us. We just got an email that our wait time could be about 6-12 months longer than we were originally told. We are open to an older child than most couples on the list but there hasn’t been any referrals since November so my hope that our wait time would be shorter is no longer there. I’m not asking for things to speed up for us. I’m asking for some hope and strength to keep on pushing. To keep on trusting when we write another check to our agency to update our home study because it’s been 2 years; or pay the $800 that the government charges to get our fingerprints done again, because for some reason 18 months from doing it the first or second time, they could’ve changed (said very sarcastically).
That’s it. I hated writing this. Just being honest.